| Sunrise, Sunset. Sunrise, sunset.Swifty go the days. |
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[05 Jul 2007|08:06am] |
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18 years old; ready and waiting to go gray.
All my friends are sleeping around me and I'm just listening to the birds.
Come, hold my hand and we can find home together ♥
Scotland next year. next year will be the beginning of my the rest of my life.
The only thing missing now is someone to lay next to at night and fall asleep in their warmth. I do dearly miss being held close. Everyone is so far away from one another. I wish people would push all the barriers down( age, race, sexual orientation, etc.) and grasp onto each other with unconditional love.
That will be the day.
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[24 Oct 2006|06:11am] |
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it has been ages. it feels good to be back ladies and gents.
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[14 Nov 2005|07:43pm] |
"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter."
-Tom Robbins, StillLife with woodpecker
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[05 Oct 2005|04:31pm] |
'Distant Familiarity'
Wearily I walk down this road again,
The trees wink as I pass,
I know this hollow too well.
Vacant, I hungrily ransack the skies,
I beseech the stars for answers
To riddles I don't quite know.
The only retort is vast blackness,
A deafening silence stifles my breath.
Burried ardors echo in this shell.
Desolate again.
Forlorn and quarantined
By every fiber of my being.
-Jessica DeMartino
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[27 Aug 2005|01:19pm] |
It's funny how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door.
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[04 Jul 2005|07:21pm] |
A year ago today a new world was begginning for me.
I remember my old house.
I remember the boredom of the family party.
Then you came online. It was the first time in what felt like ages.
We talked for hours.
And I was in love with you.
You spoke to my heart.
Why can't I just put you to rest?
Why won't you just fade.
I want to let you go. My heart is still holding on to the sound of your voice.
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[10 May 2005|07:53pm] |
I will pace steady, slow, pondering. Every step precise through the intwining trees of the deep heart. I will meander but with purpose, yet have none at all. I am in the Never, stuck between Always and Non Existing.
In the busy boulevard of this place, the lush vegetation saturates the air with fragence of heaven. But heaven is not a place.
Open. Unused. I stand. My arms reach for the deep blue pocket of sky. Silence. Wait. Patience. Feel.
In my bones I feel it. Toes spread and lurch . Crawling in the depths of the ground. Roots. Bonds. The Begginning. Pushing against skin. This flesh shell. Skin. Skin. Skin. Gone.
Push towards the blue. Close my eyes and press. It's inside!
My feet dissappear into the soil, the ground soaks me up. My skin is rough like bark.
Arms growing, expading. Reaching. Reaching. I am there. Fingers, no longer fingers. My limbs, branches. My body weeping of revolution.
There at the very tip. A spout. A leaf. A blosson. Emotion.
Home.
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[30 Apr 2005|12:57pm] |
I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.
I cannot find my cell phone anywhere. It has been almost a week since it's disapearance. Those who were with me the night it vanished have no recollection of me ever having it in the first place.
I know it's in my room. I fell asleep with it next to my face. I woke during the nigth hearing it fall. I didn't bother to wak up and find it then and there because I figured that it would just be on the floor waiting for me in the morning. But it wasn't.
Since yesturday when I got home from school I really cleaned up my room. Still I could not find it. So then I decided to go to the next step and take my entire room apart, hoping that it was misplaced in a place that was going to be searched.
I took apart my room. But I found nothing. So I had to do a major clean up in my room. Which I'm still not done doing. I even took all the sheets and blankets, all 0943589 of them, off my bed and shook them out in hopes that it was engulfed in them. But it wasn't.
So I leave my room really flustered, make a few phone calls, siera gives me the saint anthony prayer, bless her soul, and i go back in my room to search yet again.I say the prayer about 43598 times. NOTHING.
I leave my room incredibly pissed off because I know my dad wont make a big deal about getting me a new one but my phone has ALL of my phone numbers stored in there and I feel like I might as well kill myself because I'm just very tired of it. I walk over to the rocking chair in the entry all to see if I left it over there.. where I discover my favorite cloud squishy polka dot sandals..utterly annihilated by my fucking retarded dog. This is where I lose my mind and go on a screaming rampage. For those who don't know me I am passive and I hate ever raising my voice but at this point I am so streesed out:
- my cell phone which holds most of my life information in it has vanished without a trace.
-i have to spend the day with my fathers side of the family ( yeah that's a bad thing) because it's my brother's 1st birthday extravaganza at some god damn ritzy hall.
- i still have like 34 hours of Ap work to do.. no joke.
- my ap test is in less than a week.
- my most favorite sandals were eaten by the retarded dog that i have to clean up after all the time and she isn't even my dog.
- my mom wants to go back to college to become a teacher even though we cant afford it and she hates children.
- my stepdad is just a prick overall
- im fat and not motivated enough to do anything about it so it's my own fault that i hate looking into a mirror.
- i havent talked to lee in like..4 days
-i could have a disease that can completely destroy my life very slowly and painfully.
- i just need to sleep and never wake up.
I'm sorry for complaining and im pretty sure no one cares because everyone has their own problems to worry about and such but I seriously cannot take it anymore.
i think Im just going to shoot myself in the face now
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[17 Apr 2005|01:27pm] |
When I was in the second grade I had a friend named Heather Gramdon. One day my class were sitting down in a circle in the back of the classroom because Mrs. Werner (our teacher) was reading to us. Heather raised her hand after the story was down and had a story to tell that was relevant to the book we just read. She was telling the story " This one time my cousin got a boo boo-" and Mrs. Werner stopped her and said " We are in the second grade now. We are too big too say the word boo boo." And all the kids in my class look at Heather and laughed. She looked down at the floor and was going to cry.
I never like Mrs. Werner because she would give us 5 minutes to do a 20 question multiple choice test on multiplication and division. I was never good at math( i still dont know my four times tables.. i was sick that day) and she would snatch it away from me and I would put my face in my hands and try to force myself not to cry because i felt like a failure.
For some reason I remember 2nd grade very clearly. And I'm not exactly sure why but the thought of Heather's face almost about to cry came into my head just now.
So anyway .. last night was Alicia and Jon Degen's party. It was a nice time. There were a good deal of people there. and being so i felt a little uncomfortable because I am not very good with being around a lot of people so me and Christine<3 stuck together for a little while. We tried escaping to alicias room but some boys came in with Robbie and were tlakinga bout some games or whatever so we hid underneathe alicias comforters ♥ Bed Phantoms for Life ♥
Then we decided it was getting really hot up there so we went downstairs into the tv room. I pretty much stayed in there the rest of the night, which was really fine with me. I had a really good time just sitting down and talking to some of my favorite people =o)
Around 12:30 people started to go home and i went upstairs for a little while. I listened to a whole bunch of bright eyes with shanno, chris and james. More people came into the room which was cool but i was tired and things were just very loud so me liam and james nerrie went downstairs and talked for awhile. I never realized how much i really love James Nerrie. What a good person.
Then me and Alicia, being the wenches we are, started to clean. it felt pretty good to see everything be not a mess. Then me and alicia just sat on the couch together and talked for awhile ♥
We went upstairs and layed down to sleep.. which we didn't. I fell alseep whene everyone else got up to watch the sunrise. When i woke up everyone was sprawled everwhere around alicia's room. It was really sunny and quiet. It was serene and beautiful. I got up, got dressed and left.
Now I'm sitting on this computer waiting for my family to arrive for my family birthday party because my birthday is in 3 days.
So I'm going to go and make a nice little Bright Eyes mixtape to calm my soul.
I love my friends
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[30 Mar 2005|08:38pm] |
I had my sweet 16 on saturday. it was really good.
I went to lauras for a magick bullet party.
Spring Break is over.
School today. Nothing new.
Went home with <3 Alicia and Christie and Alex Klein came with us. We hung out. me and Jay did some karate.
Christie went home and then Shannon came over a little later. We picked up a nice Stop Sign for Alicia haha.
Then Me, Alicia, Shannon and Alex went on a walk to see if Mr. Raymond Mayson was home. Alex took a house for sale sign off a electric pole and was screaming out for Cathy Morris.. haha
Lucky for us Ray was home... and we were in luck because he was hanging out with Lee, Bonnie and .. unfortunately.. James Nerrie :o(
We just hung out doing whatever and it was nice. I love my friends.
I am pretty much banished from AIM until further notice because i got into a nice fight with my mom and called her a cunt to her face. I know, good thinking.
Ermm.. yeah I'm going to post pictures the next time I update my journal.
If anyone wants a copy of a sweet 16 picture ask me!!!
I LOVE LEE MONTI
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[20 Mar 2005|07:25pm] |
Your element is Water: Understanding, intelligent,
quiet and calm. You know who you are and no one
can change that. Usually quiet but only because
your listening, don't let anyone think you
haven't got an opinion! Your not quiet because
your shy or sad, your usually quiet because
your thinking. Your answers are well planned
and helpful so people generally seek your
advice. Your the perfect balance between
solitary and outgoing. But sometimes you need a
little time to yourself to sort out your
emotions and figure things out. You understand
the phrase 'sticks and stone' and rarely let
things get to you, whats that important for you
to have to get so upset over? You know what you
want out of life but are simply taking your
time and enjoying things. To you your life is
fine as it is, you can always change things
later if your not happy.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
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[20 Mar 2005|06:59pm] |
I had the most incredible time at Alicia's last night.
God, my life is beautiful. Beautiful and full of flaws and everything-but-perfect- people. Everything is so real . It's how it always should have been.
I really don't know how else to explain my simply overwhelming love and adoration for all of my friends but to say that I love you .
Of course in order for everything to be good something must be worse to compare it to. There are dark corners on this bright map of life. It's like a spotch of death, tragedy and destruction, life unraveling all before my very eyes.
The times when I am not with my friends or somehow keeping my mind off of it there is an inevitable darkness that lurks about and within. There are things that my heart will not let go of no matter how much i want to forget it all.
There are moments when I want to be forgotten, lost in pages of truth. Covered with dust and forgotten.
There are breaks that will never fully mend and scabs begging to become scars. If only every wound wasn't ripped open fresh daily.. if only.. if only..
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[15 Mar 2005|09:36pm] |
I got to see Lee today.
He makes me so happy.
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[07 Mar 2005|08:49pm] |
Today was Nickel's birthday shindig at Alicia's.
- Alicia came home with me and we got sprinkles.
-We walked to her house and Alicia made a really nice double layered cake.
- All the "goodys" (thanks Loriel for getting me to say good every 5 seconds haha) got there
- after i iced the cake nickel put on alot of sprinkles.
-We all ate the cake. It was very good. Alicia you are great.
+ then we just did whatever.
- i went upstairs and just hung out.
+ eventually me and nick threw down but just a little.
By the way the Vagabond sweaters were so bad. And by bad i mean soooo good.
Unfortunately my wonderful evening was brought to an unjustified end because of mommy dearest.
I didn't get to hug Kyle and John goodbye which makes me feel terrible because i absolutely love them.
Happy Birthday Nickel
( Alicia, Loriel, Shannon, Nickel, Lee, John, Kyle, Ray, James )
I love you
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[28 Feb 2005|07:30pm] |
So Saturday i went to the vagabonds show.
I really had the most wonderful time.
Lee's friends are amazing, John, Scotty, Zwyer ALL of them. Absolutely fabulous,really.
I must say that The Vagabonds are extremely good.
I was really happy to be amoung good people. Sometime during the show Joe pushed Keri into the pit and she didn't know how to dance so she jogged for a second. I love her.
I love Loriel. Loriel, I have never had such a good time just being alive. You have reminded me why it's so good to be alive. You are the crown of light, the light of life, that so many of us have forgotten. Iloveyoubabygirl. i wish only happiness for you<3
Alicia and I decided that at one point we were going to rip out our ovaries and throw them onto the pit. We didn't do it because I liked the shirt i was wearing and i didnt want to soil it. We didn't really think the pit would mind. She came with me to the bathroom and I helped her swipe the Employees must wash their hands signs. I'm a good kid.
I had a very very good time.
After the show I slept over Keri's.We were going to practice dancing for the next good ska show we went to haha. But we didn't. Oh well. Keri fell asleep early and me and Lee talked until all hours of the morning.
<3 Lee Monti <3
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[24 Feb 2005|02:26pm] |
Tonight I'll be sleeping over with Loriel at her aunt's house. I'm very excited. if it doesn't snow we are going to see The Gates tomorrow.
Nunna said she saw them and they were a terible disappointment and that " they were so hideous and what ugly colors " I thought it was funny because I've never seen anyone so upset over the color of a flag.
Thank you for re-opening barely healed scars on my heart.
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[21 Feb 2005|07:39pm] |
I feel like killing myself.
Words are so useless to me now. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words.
Where are you? Why did you just leave me? Just vanish. What could I be worth if someone who claimed to love me until the end of time and after just left. Just left and was never heard from again.
I don't even know if you were real. You seemed so real. I don't even know if I'm real. I'm a ghost of a sure thing.
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